


Home

by eloquent_apollo



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Andrew is a busker, M/M, Neil Is an Idiot, Neil fakes his own death, they travel around the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-05
Updated: 2020-05-13
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:20:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24027286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eloquent_apollo/pseuds/eloquent_apollo
Summary: When Neil was 8, he escaped from his murderous father together with his mother. Years on the run means meeting a lot of people, people he never sees again after they leave. Except for Andrew. Wherever Neil goes, Andrew seems to be there, playing his guitar and gathering a crowd. He is everything his mother warned him about, going with him would mean signing his death. When Mary dies and Neil is alone, he follows Andrew to hear him play
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Comments: 12
Kudos: 113





	1. Finding home

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thanks to my friend Emma for beta'ing this mess! I love you, you funky little lemonade bisexual!  
> Also to the OTHER Emma, Look at you go! You made this a two chapter fanfic by yelling at me for the end of this chapter
> 
> Anyway! I hope you guys enjoy this!

The first time Nathaniel saw the man, he paid him no more attention than all the other faces in the crowd. He was just another stranger, whom he checked for any sign of danger as him and his mother hurried past. He didn't stop to listen as he began to play, the tune of the guitar sounding sad and mesmerising. He didn't stop to listen to him sing, his voice raw but beautiful. He didn't stop to give him money, he simply hurried past with his mother. He could feel his eyes burning on his back, but they went as quickly as they came, more interested in paying attention to those who _did_ stay to hear him play. They were just potential customers passing by. Nothing more. Nothing less. Neil was another face easily forgotten in the crowd, with a basic winter coat that almost everyone else wore, and faded clothes that didn’t pull attention to him. His mother was just another woman in the crowd, and they were just simple visitors to another city in America. No one would have ever guessed they were on the run, evading Nathaniel’s murderous mafia father, who was dead set on skinning them alive and hanging their skeletons out as a warning to all. That night the busker was already long forgotten, and Nathaniel helped his mother pack as they prepared to flee this city. They had stayed far too long already, to the point that someone recognised them earlier on the streets. It was dangerous for them to be recognised, they couldn’t afford to lose their cover to something as simple as a neighbour. They would leave that night  
.  
As they board the plane to Jacksonville, Nathaniel has a song stuck in his head that he doesn’t think he’s heard before. As he falls asleep on the plane, Nathaniel dreams of intense hazel eyes and curly blonde hair and music that makes him feel like he’s safe. It’s a feeling he hasn’t felt in a very long time.

-

The second time it could have been a coincidence. They were a state away in Jacksonville, but buskers were known to travel and this particular one seemed like he had the money to do so. It made Nathaniel think he might have had a job on the side. It surprised him that his mother didn’t seem to see him, but deep down he felt glad. If he stayed, it meant he could actually stay and listen for once. The busker’s voice was low but resonant, it made Nathaniel feel warm inside despite the clear pain in the song. The busker didn’t sound hurt, but the lyrics and sad tune betrayed him.

He wished he had money to give him, but his mother would beat him black and blue if he ever dared to give money away to something that wasn’t necessary. The busker received money from other customers, and Nathaniel simply remained seated as his mother talked to some contact about new fake passports again. He wondered why the busker chose to never settle. In his song he claimed that he never learned to settle down, but that he never felt alone. It makes Nathaniel think a little about himself and his mother, but he knows this busker lives a very different life from him. Nathaniel wishes he was as content with it as the busker seemed to be, but he also didn’t 100% believe him either. It didn’t matter though, because his mother was almost done talking about their new identities and he should pay attention to hear who he was turning into today. It was time to say goodbye to Chris, to the busker, to Jacksonville and say hello to Philippe and Paris. He just hoped his French was good enough to fool the natives, especially with that French name. He stood and left the building with his mother, and immediately felt those intense hazels eyes burning on his back and tensed up. Did he recognise him? Had Nathaniel been wrong and was this someone sent to follow him after all? He slowly turned to watch the busker, and his hazel eyes bore into his own eyes. They were green now, but they wouldn’t be for much longer. Green eyes, blonde hair, but the same boring clothes.

“Are you going to stare at me or are you going to fucking give me a dollar?” The busker asked.

Nathaniel turned and left with his mother, trying to hurry while also not making it seem obvious he was trying to get away. 

He could feel those hazels eyes heavy stare on his back until he turned the corner with his mother, and he let out a sigh of relief. He didn’t know him, he couldn’t have known him. It was just a coincidence, and after today he would never see him again.

-

He was wrong.

The third time it was too suspicious. He was in France, but the short busker stood near the Eiffel tower and played another sad song. Nathaniel hurried past, and made no mention of him to his mother. Not yet. This time the buskers eyes didn’t follow. He hadn’t seen him just yet.

That night when his mother was asleep he left. He went back to the Eiffel tower, carrying a small gun to keep himself safe. It was ridiculous, the busker probably wasn’t even there anymore, but he had to see. As he came closer he could hear the sound of a guitar, with the buskers voice to match. Nathaniel stopped in his tracks, just out of sight of the busker. He was playing for a very small audience, the few tourists that still wanted to go out at this hour and in this cold. He is close enough that he can hear that what he’s singing is a cover of some song about a runaway. He doesn’t know the name of the original, but he’s heard it sometimes while doing groceries. It’s pretty sad, but that seems to be the buskers brand. Always sad, but not a bitter sadness. A sadness he has learned to live with, something that is as much a part of him, as it took a part of him. Nathaniel admires that, because the busker didn’t let the sadness break him but instead used it as a drive for his passion. He used the sadness that tried to destroy him and said “No. I will not let you do this.” 

It’s a hard thing which not many people have ever learned to do and it makes Nathaniel strangely glad to see this stranger is content and well. 

Nathaniel watches from his safe distance as the busker begins to clean up. The tourists leave, and soon the busker is walking away in what Nathaniel can only assume is the direction of his hotel or home. He waits a few seconds, and then he follows after him. He makes sure to walk casual, and not make it seem if he is following him but instead just looking around. If he pretends to be a tourist, he won’t draw much attention hopefully. His hair may be black now and his eyes grey, but if he gets too close he fears the busker will recognise him from those earlier times. It’s best to remain safe and a distance away.

However, the busker is clearly smarter than Nathaniel anticipated because he turns to face Nathaniel after a short while of him following him down the street. 

“Are you following me,” The busker asks. Having his intense gaze directly averted to him again makes Nathaniel feel weird in his stomach. This isn’t supposed to happen. He wasn’t supposed to be seen by the busker, but he caught him either way.

“Hey. You speak English or what?” The busker steps closer, and Nathaniel instinctively steps back. For a second the busker says nothing, but then he closes the distance by shoving Nathaniel into the wall.

“I am talking to you. It is impolite to not answer.”

“Are you following _me_?” Nathaniel shoots the question back at him, and the busker is clearly taken off guard, so Nathaniel presses on. “Here in Paris, back in Jacksonville, and back in New York. Are you following me?” 

The busker frowns, but then something of recognition seems to take over. “Oh,” he says. He lets go of Nathaniel and walks off without another word. Nathaniel watches him go, confusion evident on his face. Then the busker turns and rolls his eyes at him.

“You coming or what?” 

And for some reason, a reason he really can’t explain, Nathaniel follows.

After a while they reach a small café. It’s surprising that it’s still open, but as the busker enters the girl at the counter immediately smiles a polite smile in his direction. Nathaniel is immediately wary of her, but that’s nothing new. She has short white hair, with pastel colours at the bottom. It’s a weird contrast compared to the way she’s dressed and the cross necklace hanging around her neck. By the looks of it she and the busker are friends, because there is a steaming cup of hot chocolate and a brownie piece waiting on the counter which the busker immediately takes.

“Can I get you anything?” The girl asks Nathaniel in French.

He is about to shake his head, but the busker beats him to it and tells the girl to make him a black coffee. When Nathaniel is about to protest, the busker simply glares and Nathaniel shuts his mouth. Instead, he lets him take him to a small table in the corner. They sit and watch the empty streets of Paris together, only occasionally does someone walk past, a tourist trying to find their hotel, a native leaving from a friend’s place. Nathaniel has always found a strange sense of comfort in watching people pass by in their day to day life, has found comfort in watching people just living the way he knows he never can. As he slowly turns to watch the busker, he starts to think that maybe it’s the same for him. He is about to return to watching the streets as the busker turns back to facing Neil, his hazel eyes seem to be able to pick Nathaniel and all his lies apart. It makes him shiver, thinking about how someone could do such a thing without speaking. Obviously he knows the busker can’t really pick his lies apart with his gaze alone, but it’s so intense it leaves Nathaniel feeling otherwise. He wants to break the eye contact, but can’t actually do so without appearing weak, so instead he settles on focusing the strangers eyebrow, that way it still appears as if he is looking into his eyes but he doesn’t have to actually stare into his piercing eyes.

“I am not following you. It’s only a crazy coincidence,” The busker finally says. He sounds bored, and he sips on his hot cocoa without another word. Nathaniel doesn’t know what to say, so he just nods quietly.

“I’m Andrew,” He says.

“Oh, uh, I’m-“ he stops for a second. He doesn’t want to give him his current fake name, because it’ll be gone in a week or two and if he calls out to him in another city with that and his mother hears he is screwed. He can’t give him his real name either, because that’s too dangerous. It’s better to go with a fake name he hasn’t used before, so his mother won’t freak out if she hears Andrew using it.

“I’m Neil.”

“Forgot your name for a second? I don’t think that’s really your name, or that’s your real hair colour and eye colour. But hey, what do I know?” 

Nathaniel tries not to turn pale. The only comfort he has right now is the small gun hidden in his pants. Why would Andrew lie about not following him? He could have easily killed him if he worked for his father back in that quiet street, but he didn’t. He isn’t entirely sure if he believes him, but for now this is all he can do.

The girl from the counter gives Nathaniel his coffee and a piece of a brownie, and when Nathaniel goes to grab his wallet Andrew slaps his hand.

“You’re not paying. You look like a homeless man, I’m surprised you even managed to make it to France.” 

Andrew hands the girl a few euros, and she leaves again. Nathaniel is glad for the distraction of food and a drink, because now he can use his hands for something. It also gives him time to think if he needs to answer any questions.

But Andrew never asks. They sit in silence, and eventually Andrew gets up and says he is leaving. Nathaniel quietly watches him go, and when he’s sure he’s really gone he leaves as well. He doesn’t say goodbye to the girl at the counter, but she says goodbye to him. 

When he gets back to the house, his mother is awake. He was right about one thing tonight, and that’s his mother’s punishment after finding out he had sneaked out of the house. It doesn’t really matter to Nathaniel, the comfort of knowing Andrew isn’t a threat but someone he can vaguely trust has made it worth it. That night his mother tells him they will be leaving for Austria the following day and that Nathaniel has to be up early for their flight. He feels slightly upset about leaving Andrew behind, which is ridiculous. He hardly even knows him, but his singing is strangely comforting to Nathaniel and he’ll miss hearing his music for a little while, though he trusts that they will come across each other again. Nathaniel doesn’t believe in fate, but he almost wants to believe that might be what’s causing him to meet Andrew in all these foreign countries.  
The following day there are new bruises forming on his stomach and legs, and there is a new passport thrust into his hands. Austria. Stefan. 19. born on January 27th. Another fake name and another fake face. 

-

The fourth time Nathaniel was alone. The smell of gasoline and smoke clung to his clothes as he stood in the dark alleyway, watching Andrew play. Andrew didn’t see him and Nathaniel didn’t want him to. It was a hot summer day, but Nathaniel shivered nonetheless. Whenever he closed his eyes he saw the huge fire blazing. He heard the sound his mother’s corpse made as he tried to pull her off the seat, but she was glued to it by her dried up blood. He blinked, and he saw her claw for air. He blinked, and he saw blood. Nothing but blood, death, and decay. He closed his eyes, and all he saw was a deep red, staining too many of his memories with the colour and smell it brought forth.  
Staying was dangerous, so Nathaniel turned around without saying anything to Andrew. He was going to be Neil Josten from now on, the fake identity he had given Andrew earlier. It was dangerous to use an identity twice, but he was too filled with grief to care. He walked back the way he came, and he felt the hole in his heart get bigger the further he came from the music. When he couldn’t hear it anymore, he feared the grief tearing a hole in his chest would swallow him whole. All he could do was go to the house he was squatting in, and sleep for hours. 

-

He makes it to his house a short 10 minutes after leaving the alleyway. To call it a house would be an exaggeration, but Nathaniel doesn’t know what else to call it either. It used to be a house, but it’s been run down and squatted in so many times that no one wants to buy it. That’s what happens when you don’t close your houses properly. People break in. 

The people who once lived here seemed to have left suddenly, though. Nathaniel still finds pictures and letters hidden under floorboards. A smiling girl, with her boyfriend. Pictures of the engagement ring, of the girl trying on dresses. Then suddenly a picture of the girl alone, pregnant and in front of the house with someone who Nathaniel assumes is her father, the boyfriend is gone. The pictures stop. Did the boyfriend die? Or did he leave her behind the moment he realised she was pregnant? The last pictures are dated from around 1937, so Nathaniel knows he’ll never get an answer. There is something so strange about watching a life through the smoke screen of pictures. It’s something Nathaniel doesn’t even have for himself anymore. He and his mum didn’t stop to take pictures, only for their ID’s. He regrets burning his mother’s along with the rest of her body, but the thought to take it didn’t cross his mind as he watched her die. He supposes it’s actually a good thing, because if he kept it he wasn’t sure what it would do to him. Maybe it’s better to forget her after all. Maybe it’s better to just move on. He should go back to America, but he isn’t ready to go just yet. He should listen to Andrew one more time. Tomorrow he’ll visit the square where Andrew played earlier. He’ll give him a dollar, because his mother isn’t here to yell at him for wasting money on something ‘useless’. It isn’t useless anyway, Andrew’s music isn’t useless. He goes upstairs and finds his sleeping bag and lays down in it, sleep comes fast but his dreams are coloured red, he can’t tell if it’s the colour of blood or of the fire, but he can hear his mother gasping for her last breath.

-

The following day Andrew is at the square like Nathaniel had expected him to be, but today he isn’t alone. Nathaniel keeps his distance from inside a coffee shop to watch Andrew and the stranger, hoping the latter will leave so Nathaniel can spend some time with the former. Andrew hasn’t picked up his guitar ever since the stranger showed up and Nathaniel wants to hear him sing. He doesn’t want to leave before he hears Andrew sing, but the stranger doesn’t seem to be so intent on leaving. Nathaniel begins to worry that perhaps the other man is bothering Andrew, when suddenly they begin to head towards the coffee shop where Nathaniel is hiding. He’s got a back booth, so he doubts Andrew will see him. 

The two men enter the coffee shop and pick a table that’s too close to Nathaniel for his comfort. They order simple coffee and then neither of them talk. The stranger seems uncomfortable and that’s when Nathaniel realises that that man is no stranger at all. It’s- 

“Kevin. You came to talk, so talk,” Andrew says after receiving his way too sugary coffee. He sounds bored, not that different compared to when he and Nathaniel talked all those nights ago.

“I… yes…” Kevin seems uncertain where to start and instead busies himself by tearing his napkin apart. He looks nervous in front of Andrew. It makes Nathaniel want to hear why he’s here. Kevin should be in America, playing for some big Exy team, not here in front of Andrew and so close to Nathaniel.

“Why… Why don’t you come back to us? We all miss you… Andrew, you could have made it to the pro’s! We could have played together, I-… I don’t understand why you left. I thought you wanted this?” Kevin finally says, but his voice becomes more uncertain as he goes on.

“I’m not unhappy. I’ll come back for the holidays like I promised, but I’m content living this way,” Andrew responds, as he calmly sips on his coffee. 

Nathaniel doesn’t understand. Did Andrew and Kevin play together? He would have remembered who Andrew was if he did. He had kept an obsessive binder on Kevin’s life ever since he was on the run, so why did he not remember reading Andrew’s name anywhere?

“You- How? How are you content living this way? You don’t even have a place to call home! You sleep in hotels.” 

“So? The streets are my home, Kevin. I’ve been moving around my whole life, so why not move around again?” 

Kevin stares at Andrew, but then he nods. Some sort of understanding has passed between them, one that Nathaniel can never dream to understand. He doesn’t belong in their lives. Maybe this was a mistake after all. Nathaniel should have left, should have forgotten about that stupid dollar and should have left as soon as he could. All his things are already packed at the house, all he has to do is get out of here without Andrew noticing he’s here. He was a fool for thinking that perhaps Andrew understood the way he lived. Andrew had a home, he had a family to return too. Nathaniel had none of that. Slowly Nathaniel rose from his table and left some money behind for the waitress. He left the coffee shop and slowly made his way back to the house.

He would have liked to hear Andrew play one more time, but it didn’t matter. Tomorrow he would be on the next plane back to America. His father hadn’t found him here yet, but he didn’t want to give him the time to find him either.

-

Nathaniel leaves the house at midnight and immediately he can tell he is not alone. There is someone watching. No. They’re following him. Nathaniel desperately tries to outsmart whoever is following him by taking turns at random, darting into narrow alleyways until he loses whoever is following him, but it doesn’t work. They keep following him until Nathaniel takes a wrong turn and turns into an alley that dead ends into the wall of an apartment complex. Slowly he reaches for the gun he keeps on him, hoping this place is remote enough that no one will hear the fight that’s about to go down. He turns to face his stalker and then abruptly stops his hand reaching for the gun. It’s Andrew. Andrew is the one that cornered him here.

“Neil,” Andrew says in lieu of a greeting. It doesn’t make sense. Why did Andrew follow him here? Had Nathaniel misjudged his character completely? Did he work for his father after all? But then why was he friends with Kevin? Kevin, who escaped Riko’s cruelty. Kevin, who outlived Riko and escaped the Moriyama’s tight grasp and control over him in a way Nathaniel never could. Kevin knew who his father was, would never hang with people that associated with him, wouldn’t hang with Andrew if he was from the tight circle he had fought so desperately to escape. Nathaniel realises with that, that the chances of him having misjudged Andrew are very slim, and when Andrew opens his mouth to speak, it only further cements his theory that Andrew is no threat, at least not one that ties into his father’s crimes. 

“You were in the coffee shop. Did no one ever teach you that eavesdropping is rude?” Andrew continued calmly, despite the clear confusion on Nathaniel’s face. Maybe he just didn’t care enough.

“Your real name isn’t Neil, is it?” Andrew asks, despite his earlier statement of not believing anything about him was real

“… It’s not,” Nathaniel responds, giving Andrew a truth to hold onto. He wants Andrew to trust him, he wants to be able to trust Andrew, too.

Andrew shrugs, but doesn’t ask for his real name either. Instead he carries on like nothing changed after this, as if he always knew that Nathaniel was lying to him, “I’m leaving today. Going to England, so you should go somewhere else if you no longer want to come across me. You seem to hate it a lot, always rushing past like you hope you can pretend I am not there. Running from someone, Josten?” 

Nathaniel knows he shouldn’t rise to the bait, but for some reason he feels like he can trust Andrew. All these times Andrew had seen him he could have ratted him out, but he never did. Andrew clearly didn’t work for his father, but he had something Nathaniel wanted. Andrew had said to Kevin that he had a sense of home wherever he went, but Nathaniel hadn’t felt that in years, actually, he thinks he may have never felt that at all. He knew he shouldn’t and yet he couldn’t stop himself. 

“Take me with you,” Nathaniel said.

“Excuse me?” It clearly wasn’t the answer Andrew had expected. Why should he have expected it? It made absolutely no sense for Nathaniel to come with. He had no musical talent, he wasn’t close to Andrew either. For all Andrew knew, Neil could be a serial killer, but Nathaniel had only recently started travelling alone and he didn’t care for it at all. He still reached for his mother when he woke and although he knew he and Andrew wouldn’t travel the way he and his mother did, it would soothe the ache nonetheless. That piece of knowledge was enough to make it worth the shot in the dark and ask.

“I am all alone, as you’ve noticed. We keep running into each other anyway, why not save each other the trouble and travel together.”

Andrew raised an eyebrow, clearly sceptic about the whole idea. “I’m sorry, did I miss the part where we became friends?” 

Nathaniel smiles and nods. “It happened yesterday.” He grabs the dollar he had been meaning to give Andrew and holds it out to him. “I still owe you a dollar, by the way.” 

Andrew raises an eyebrow again, but then takes the dollar and motions for Nathaniel to follow. “We leave tonight. We are heading for England.” 

Nathaniel nods. In England he will become Neil Josten. He will leave Nathaniel behind and start over. He can allow himself this luxury, because it’s technically what he’s been doing all along anyway. Adopt a new identity and start over, only this time he keeps the name he gave to Andrew. This will be the third time he uses the identity of Neil Josten, which is dangerous and risky, but maybe for once it won’t matter. Maybe he has hidden his trail well enough after the death of his mother. 

-

It turns out that traveling with Andrew was easier than Neil expected. It takes them only a week to find a rhythm and a set up unspoken rules that allow for the two of them to settle into an easy routine of living together after being used to living alone. For Neil a big change was that, although he wasn’t alone anymore, he would still be sleeping in his own bed. He hadn’t expected Andrew to let him sleep in his bed at all, realistically he had expected to still be alone, but being with another person had still reminded him of his time on the run with his mother. So much in fact, that the first night he woke up in a panic, because the familiar weight of his mother’s body against his was nowhere to be found, but the sound of someone’s breathing was still present. It had taken Neil a while to get used to it, but now he could get through the night without the absence of his mother violently biting at the edges of his dreams. He notices the struggle on Andrew’s end, too. He sees Andrew staying awake until Neil dozes off, eyes trained sharply on Neil’s form, back always too the wall. It forms their first unspoken rule to not question the other’s nightmares, to look away when the other wakes up in a sweat and a panic and to always, always, keep the distance between the two hotel beds. Neil doesn’t approach Andrew to wake him, doesn’t touch him unless requested, which Andrew so far hasn’t done. Andrew repays the favour, only touching Neil to steady him during a panic attack that only physical touch can take Neil out of. Even then, it is only the weight of a firm hand on the back of Neil’s neck grounding him in the here and now.

It took them a while longer to trust each other enough to move towards each other for comfort. It was Neil who first went to seek it on a night where he woke up from a dream of his father finding him in the hotel and killing both him and Andrew. He had to get up and check if Andrew was still there, if the dream hadn’t been partial reality, but before he could get up he felt the bed dip as someone sat on it. 

“Yes or no?” Came Andrew’s voice, steady and calm as usual. Neil could only gasp and nod, before he felt Andrew lay next to him and pull him close against his chest. It wasn’t what he had expected, but Andrew’s arms were strong and firm around him, allowing him to finally catch his breath properly. The comfortable weight of a body pressed against him let Neil calm down and slowly drift off to sleep again. 

The following day Andrew was gone, but before Neil could panic he found a note on his bed that told him Andrew was gone to get them breakfast. It also mentioned he should be back by 10, so for Neil not to worry unless if he was late. It was currently only 9:30, so Neil slowly got out of bed and walked towards the big glass doors. Where Andrew got the money to get them a hotel in the middle of Paris with a big balcony, Neil would never know. The morning air was comfortably warm, thanks to it being the beginning of summer. It would surely go up later in the morning, but for now Neil could stand calmly and close his eyes as the sun streamed over his face. Back when he was on the run with his mother he couldn’t afford to enjoy the simple moments like these. Closing your eyes meant giving someone the opportunity to come and hurt you, but he hadn’t felt like anyone would do that in a long time. He felt calm and collected.

He must have stood there for 30 minutes, because next thing he knows Andrew opens the doors carrying a tray with breakfast and orange juices. Neil can’t fight the smile off of his face, especially when Andrew returns it with a glare.

“They’re both for me,” Andrew says, and Neil only hums as he grabs a croissant off of one of the plates and takes a small bite. It’s still warm, so Andrew has only been back for a short while. Neil feels a strange sense of calmness wash over him, right here right now, with Andrew. Suddenly he feels an overwhelming desire to kiss Andrew. Andrew, of course, is none the wiser of his sudden feelings, and all Neil can do is stare at him as the soft morning sun washes over Andrew’s face, painting his hair a brighter blonde, and making his usually hazel eyes appear almost golden in the soft light. Neil can see faint freckles dancing across his face, and he feels the urge to reach out, to trace them and kiss them and feel Andrew’s lips pressed against his.

So he grabs his food and goes inside, needing the physical distance or he worries his heart will beat so fast with longing that Andrew can hear it. He doesn’t know what triggered the switch, if he had been slowly falling all along and suddenly dropped harder than expected, but his mind comes up blank except for the image of Andrew in the morning sun. He tries shaking his mind clear of the image and eats his croissants in silence. His mind still tries to wonder back to Andrew’s soft blonde curls, looking gorgeous in the morning sun, but when it tries, Neil combats it by counting as high as he can in all the languages he knows, but it only barely works. He’s so distracted he doesn’t hear Andrew until he’s standing behind him, reaching out to take his glass of orange juice out of his hand and placing it away. Andrew’s chest is closely aligned with Neil’s back, agonisingly close but still not touching and Neil wants nothing more than to turn around and close the distance. Wants to feel Andrew’s hot breath on his neck, wants to reach out and kiss him till their lips bruise and their breaths come out in sharp pants. He wants Andrew to touch him, but he doesn’t know how to voice this aching want to Andrew.  
That doesn’t mean Andrew doesn’t still understands what Neil wants.

Andrews steady hands move to Neil’s shoulders and spin him around so they’re facing each other.

“Yes or no?”

“Yes,” Neil breathes out. 

Andrew pushes him against the counter and Neil only has a second to recognise the uncomfortable way the counter presses into his back, before Andrew’s lips are on his. Then it feels like flying and falling all at the same time, as if Andrew and his hands and his lips are the only thing stopping Neil from breaking apart, while simultaneously being what is breaking Neil in the first place. He wants to part to ask Andrew where he can hold him, but when he moves back Andrew simply follows, pressing harder up against him. He removes his hands from Neil’s shoulders and firmly grabs his hands instead, guiding them to his own hair and leaving them there for Neil to hold onto his blonde curls. Which Neil does, he holds them gently in his fingers, caresses through them while Andrew’s lips take him apart and hold him together. 

When they finally part, Neil notices with a hint of satisfaction that Andrew’s lips are bruised from the kissing. A smile fights its way to Neil’s lips, but then Andrew’s hand reaches out to tug on Neil’s waistband, once again pulling him closer. He doesn’t voice the question out loud, but Neil can see it written in his eyes.

“Yes.” There isn’t any uncertainty in his voice as he says it and Andrew hums in satisfaction before dropping to his knees in front of Neil. Back when Neil was on the run he never thought about romance, he never thought about being able to find someone that Neil wanted to be with for the rest of his life. He hadn’t even dared to hope it, but as Andrew’s lips made Neil completely unravel once again, he thinks to himself that maybe, for once, he could allow himself to hope for something like this.

-

But hope is a dangerous, disquieting thing that would soon catch up with Nathaniel. He should had known better to hope for safety, when his whole life had been filled with looking over his shoulder for his father’s fury. It finally caught up with him after Neil and Andrew have been traveling for a while together.

They are walking the streets of Moscow when Neil realises they are being followed. It’s not just by anyone either, he knows it’s some of his father’s finest men. He needs to find a way to alert Andrew of the men without risking them finding out he knows they’re there. He gently reaches his hand out to Andrew and is taken by surprise when Andrew intertwines his fingers with Neil’s.

“I know. Come on,” Andrew says in quiet Russian, the language they have been solely using to communicate for weeks with now. Even though everyone arounds them speaks Russian, it still feels like it’s a special piece of them. In other countries it’s in Russian that Neil has whispered secrets to Andrew at 3 AM, while Andrew’s hands roam his body. Now it’s spoken for protection, hands clasped firmly around Neil’s to keep him safe instead of to explore him and his boundaries. 

Neil allows himself to be pulled into an abandoned building, where Andrew takes him up to the second level. They’re cornering themselves, giving his father’s men an easy way to kill them, but Andrew levels Neil with a look that says to simply trust him. So Neil trusts him and lets Andrew guide him further into the building until they’re standing in a narrow hallway that dead ends with a big window overlooking the squares of Moscow and Neil feels a strange sense of calmness he hadn’t felt in ages. Andrew tugs him gently to face him and Neil nods before the question is past Andrew’s lips. He doesn’t have to ask anymore, because Neil has already said it’s always yes with him. Andrew hums in silent approval before placing his lips on Neil’s and kissing him. It’s only short and brief, Neil and Andrew both know they don’t have much time before his father’s men find them in their hiding spot. The kiss is only meant to encourage him, to make him trust in Andrew’s capabilities to keep him safe, and Neil does. 

“I trust you,” He whispers, feeling the need to voice it out loud to Andrew, who, of course, already knows. 

“Then stay here. Let me handle this,” Andrew whispers back, his lips still only inches apart from Neil’s.

But Neil can’t let Andrew be the one to carry his burden like this for any longer, so he shakes his head and gently pushes Andrew away. When Andrew goes to follow, Neil shakes his head and instead holds out a hand for one of the many knives Andrew carries with him. Andrew frowns, knowing of Neil’s hatred of the particular weapon, but Neil levels him with a head on stare and Andrew relents, giving Neil the biggest and sharpest knife he carries with him. The weight of the knife is strange yet familiar in Neil’s trained hands, he knows exactly how to use this against his father’s men and hides it in his jacket pocket.

“I’ll come back,” Neil says, the promise heavy on his tongue. He has been so used to lies that the truth feels uncomfortable in his mouth. Still, it’s a truth he wants to share and wants to keep between him and Andrew, so with that thought in mind he parts ways with Andrew to face his father’s men that are waiting further down the hall.

And Andrew waits. He waits for hours, but Neil never comes back to him. He is too far away from Neil to hear how the fight is going, but somehow the silence is worse than hearing the struggle. When he leaves his hiding spot, he walks past the puddle of blood and Neil’s bloody corpse like it’s nothing. Like Neil was never anything to him, like he never gave him his heart and soul. He walks past him, like Neil passed him as if he were just another stranger in the crowd, though they both knew from the first time they saw each other they could never be simply strangers to one another

And Neil waits. Waits for hours with blood streaming out of his body, waits for his father’s men to report to him that Nathaniel is no more. He waits for Andrew to pass him without a glance back. Then he waits some more, before grabbing his phone and calling the one number he has memorised.

“Uncle Stuart?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To the OTHER Emma, I hope you're happy that I didn't kill Neil! Oh also a little fun fact, I am working on a bigger fanfic and a particular scene in this fanfic is a little hint to that one~ I can't say which one it is tho but feel free to take a guess. Chapter two has already been written and I'll upload it next week. Gotta keep the suspence a little you know~
> 
> Anyway! In the mean time, come yell at me on my tumblr [ over here](https://eloquent-apollo.tumblr.com)? maybe? I hope you guys liked this chapter and if you did feel free to let me know either on here or on my tumblr


	2. returning home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wanted to upload this chapter so badly but I told myself to wait and now it's 7PM in The Netherlands and I decided it's finally time to upload it! I am really hyped about this chapter! Enjoy~

Uncle Stuart has people everywhere, that’s why Neil ends up calling him while darkness threatens to take over from the edges of his vision. Calling uncle Stuart is only for emergencies, but death fits the bill. It’s uncle Stuart’s people, who take Neil to a hospital that doesn’t ask questions as they take on the list of injuries. Neil sits in his hospital bed, uncle Stuart by his bedside, as they explain it all to him.

“You sustained a number of serious injuries, Kid. The fact you’re alive is a miracle. You’ve got an open fracture of the ulna and radius, comminuted fracture of the femur, intense bruising, cuts that required stitches on the arms, legs, and face, burn wounds on the legs and face, distressed lungs due to pneumonia, and last a sliced hamstring. The fracture of the Ulna required surgery, but we’ve managed to fix it. We’ll have to put you through a second surgery for your hamstring, but the muscle will never be the same, even after surgery.” 

Neil only half listens as the doctor moves on to explain how the damage will impact Neil’s every day life from now on. It hardly even matters to him, the only thing that matters is Andrew. Neil has no idea where he might be, where he went and what he knows. He didn’t get to ask uncle Stuart to inform Andrew that Neil was alive and he severely doubted he would even do it when Neil asked. Informing anyone of the fact that Neil was still alive was unthinkable, especially someone that had no ties to the mafia world previously, was not to be involved in any of the matters revolving Neil’s life. The only thing uncle Stuart would do, is take Neil back to London with him. When the doctor’s finally left, uncle Stuart sighed deeply.

“Bold move, faking your death like this, kid.” 

“He wouldn’t get off my back until I was dead. So, I died.”

Uncle Stuart nods quietly, an unspoken question lingering in the quiet air between them. Neil didn’t want to answer it and Stuart wasn’t going to ask whether Mary had done the same. There was no one smoking, but Neil could almost taste the smoke clinging to his body. Could almost feel the cold of the wind from the California beach, he could almost hear the fire roaring as it devoured the car and his mother’s body inside. Stuart looks away, knowing the answer in the silence on both parts to be the confirmation he didn’t want.  
“We’ll leave the moment the doctors clear you,” He says instead. The tone betrays what he wants to say, though. I’m sorry too, Neil wants to say, but the words don’t make it past his lips and instead he turns away to watch traffic slipping by outside of his hospital room. Stuart stays where he is for a while, then footsteps make their way to the door and the handle is turned. The door creaks but stops as Stuart once again stays where he is, in the dim reflection in the window Neil can see he is standing with his back to Neil, then slowly Stuart brings a hand up to his eyes to wipe tears away and Neil breaks. He was never close to his uncle, but maybe it’s the exhaustion of running, the grief so deeply hidden for months in combination with the fear of losing Andrew that finally causes him to start crying. 

“There’s a guard at your door,” Uncle Stuart says, before closing the door behind him and leaving Neil to grief to himself.

And he does, until he’s out of tears and his head’s pounding with pain and frustration and exhaustion eating at the edges of his conscious. With a shuddering sob he closes his eyes, curling in on himself and wishing Andrew’s warmth was there to give him a sense of safety. But it isn’t, and Neil is alone in a city that is far too big and a room that is far too small. Neil falls asleep feeling lonelier than he did while running away from his mother’s freshly buried ashes. 

-

His nights in the hospital are plagued with nightmares of drowning. His father’s men holding him down, using his shirt as a cloth to place over his face and bucket after buckets of water thrown in his face. He dreams of blood a deep red, Andrew’s vacant stare as he walks past what he assumes is a corpse and deep endless pain. 

It’s why, during their 8 hour flight from Moscow to London, which departs at 2 AM, Neil refuses to sleep at all. When he threatens to fall asleep, he digs his fingers into burn wounds and the jolt of pain it sends through his body is enough to keep him awake. Getting on the flight proved a bit trickier than expected, since Neil had a cane that they forgot to mention to the flight attendants. A few extra cash bills gets you a long way, though, so now Neil is on the plane without any further trouble. He had packed a worn Russian classic he got for cheap at a vintage store as a gift from Andrew and reads through it to distract himself further from the flight. Stuart is fast asleep next to him and the sight of it makes Neil’s mind ache to rest, but Neil stubbornly pinches himself and continues reading his book instead. By the time they land he’s finished and he tugs it back into his bag, afraid of losing the only thing he still physically has that came from Andrew himself. He let’s Stuart guide him out of the airplane, having the privilege of getting out first thanks to his crutches. It feels good to stretch his legs, but the pain from his femur and hamstring ruin it the first few steps he takes. He hates that’s he’s moving so slow, it feels antagonising to stumble out the airplane this way. He feels people staring, hears them mutter to each other, but he ignores it and focusses on moving his useless legs. It takes some time, but slowly he makes it out of the airport with Stuart by his side. It’s less cold in London as it was in Russia, but the cold wind still bites at Neil’s stitches and bruises, making them ache in a weird way. His lungs have improved quite some in his time in the hospital, but they are still protesting against Neil’s attempts to make it outside.  
“Wait, Nathaniel,” Stuart says and takes him to a wheelchair that is being handed to them by airport staff. Neil is grateful and sits down immediately, closing his eyes just for a little bit.

_Cold water splashes Neil’s face, he gasps for air but water fills his lungs instead. Through the ringing in his ears he can hear laughter from Lola and Romero, he feels hot hands dragging over his stomach and legs, then the cold metal of a knife replaces the hands, then pain. White hot pain shoots through his body and he screams, but nothing comes out of his mouth. He can only feel water, it’s surrounding him. He can’t swim. Blonde hair? Is that Andrew? Help me, Andrew! Help- ___

__

__Neil’s eyes open and he has to blink a few times, letting his eyes adjust to the sudden brightness. He’s no longer in London’s airport, but instead is a king sized bed in an apartment he doesn’t recognise. It takes a minute to remember how he got here and immediately he thinks about Andrew. He has to get out of there, has to tell Andrew he is alive. He has to find a way to send him a message, to let him know Andrew didn’t fail. The idea of seeing Andrew again is the only thing that has kept him going so far, but slowly it just isn’t enough anymore._ _

__Neil sits up in bed, his body aches and there is a dull throb in his right leg that tells Neil he slept in the wrong position for too long. He takes a few minutes to check his surroundings, and wonders if Stuart is home or if he left him alone. He probably wouldn’t have left him alone, though, if Stuart had places to be he would have left a guard to watch over Neil and make sure he didn’t go anywhere. If Stuart will ever even allow him to leave the house, he probably wouldn’t let him go alone anyway, but those are problems for later. Now, Neil is more interested in finding a way to leave his bed and get changed. It takes quite the struggle, but he manages to climb out of bed and change into a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. He grabs his cane and makes his way to the living room, where he finds Stuart waiting with two plates of eggs and bacon.  
“I was just about to wake you up, kid,” Stuart says as Neil lowers himself onto the couch._ _

__“Thanks,” Neil says as he accepts the plate of breakfast. It feels good to eat something other than hospital food again. They sit in silence for a while, when Neil decides the best time to address his problem is now._ _

__“I can’t stay here, Stuart.”_ _

__Stuart doesn’t answer, but his demeanour betrays that he knew that already. Neil doesn’t say anything else, instead he waits for Stuart to reply so he knows what direction to take, but the responds doesn’t come till both finish their breakfast._ _

__“Where would you go, Nathaniel?”_ _

__“There is someone I have to see, uncle. I would be careful, I would pick a new identity and stick to that one. The trail is already dead anyway, isn’t it? I can’t leave now with the state that I’m in, but I can’t stay either.”_ _

__Stuart sighs, but doesn’t fight it. Neil knows better than to count this as a victory, though. The fight will come later, it’s far from over, but Neil knows he can get this to work._ _

__

__-_ _

__

__The fight comes a month after their first talk about leaving. Stuart yells and threatens Neil, but he stays calm and explains his reasons for leaving. Stuart forces him to go to sleep without dinner and Neil complies. They’ll continue this in the morning._ _

__

__-_ _

__

__In total it takes Neil two months to convince Stuart to let him leave. He had to promise he would find a way to stay in contact as part of their deal, which Neil wasn’t happy about, but he knew better than to fight it. Stuart had paid for his ticket to America, where Neil would finally get to look for Andrew and that mattered more than having Stuart watching over him from a distance. The flight was late at night and took a long time, but Neil found ways to stay awake the whole flight. He couldn’t sleep on the plane even if he wanted to, he was too anxious to finally go back and find Andrew. It had taken some research, but he found out he lived in Colombia nowadays, he had actually gotten a job playing music at some local bar every now and then and lived with his cousin and twin brother. He hadn’t found his address yet, but he had some time to figure it out. He had something else to do first. The plane landed in Baltimore at 7 in the morning local time, meaning he had 5 hours until his own funeral. He had come across it on Facebook, of all places, but now he at least knew his father believed he was actually dead. Still, he couldn’t fully believe it until he had seen it with his own two eyes. That’s how he ended up at a graveyard, standing hidden behind a tree as his casket got lowered into the ground and his father fake cried about missing him and what not. The fact he had held a funeral in the first place had surprised Neil, considering there had been rumours he had killed Neil when he first stopped appearing in public. It was probably to show to the people he worked with how far he was willing to go. Strangely enough the scene just made Neil relieved, so he turned around and quietly snuck away out of the graveyard. Let them bury Nathaniel Wesninski 6 feet under, he was indeed dead and gone. The person he was now isn’t the same as he used to be, Nathaniel was his past and Neil was his future. He wouldn’t have had it any other way. He only hoped that Andrew would be a part of that future with him._ _

__

__From Baltimore it’s roughly an eight hour drive to get to Colombia. Neil steals a car at a gas station and it’s only when he’s halfway through his drive that he realises he could have just leased one for the trip. It’s too late to dwell on now though, so instead he turns the radio on and drives further. When he enters Colombia he abandons the car and walks off to find directions to Andrew’s place. He feels lost when he can’t find anything, so instead he goes into a tiny café and orders a coffee and piece of cake from the cheerful guy behind the counter. Neil dugs his phone out and tries maps again, but he’s got no connection. He lets out a deep sigh and the guy behind the counter comes back to him._ _

__“Why the long face, handsome?” He asks with a sweet smile._ _

__

__“I’m lost. I’m looking for a friend, but I can’t find his place.”  
The guy nods and gives him a new piece of cake with a wink. “On the house. Maybe if you tell me what street he lives in I can give you directions?” He offers._ _

__Neil thinks about it for a while, but when he realises there is no way this guy could be dangerous he agrees and gives him the address that he found online. The guy looks back at him with wide eyes and Neil almost thinks he fucked up when the guy speaks again._ _

__“Why…. Do you need to get to _my _house?” He asks___ _

____“Oh, you must be Nicky, then? I’m a friend of Andrew, we met in Russia,” Neil says._ _ _ _

____Nicky quietly nods and digs his phone out, texting who Neil’s assume must be Andrew. Nicky doesn’t say anything for a while, before handing his phone to Neil._ _ _ _

____“He wants to speak to you,” Nicky explains before walking off to help a customer._ _ _ _

_____Message from: Short cousin #1 _  
_1:05 PM _  
Neil? Is that really you?__ _ _ _ _ __

_______me _  
_1:08 PM _  
Yeah__ _ _ _ _ _ _ __

____________Message from: Short cousin #1 _  
_1:09 PM _  
Prove it.__ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Andrew face times Nicky’s phone and Neil picks up._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I thought you were dead,” Andrew says in Russian, his voice bored. Neil knows better than to take offence, Neil made Andrew go through an emotional hell. Neil didn’t expect Andrew to just forgive and forget so easily._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I know. I don’t want to explain it to you over a phone, that’s why I was coming to see you, if that’s still okay?” Neil asks in Russian, ignoring the curious look Nicky sends his way while he makes coffee._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“If I don’t like your explanation I’ll bury you 6 feet under, got it?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Neil only smiles and nods. “I’ll see you later,” he says before Andrew hangs up the phone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Neil waits for Nicky to be done with the cup of coffee he was making before handing him back his phone._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Thanks,” He says._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Oh don’t mention it! So, I’m done in like 10 minutes, I’ll drive you to our house, okay?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“That’s nice of you, thanks.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________So Neil waits 10 minutes for Nicky to be done and drive him home. Although the drive is only 10 minutes, it’s excruciatingly long thanks to Nicky’s constant talking. It only took Nicky three tries to realise Neil wasn’t about to explain to him how he and Andrew met, so instead Nicky just talked about other things, such as his fiancé Erik and Germany and how he wasn’t ready to say goodbye to the twins yet. Neil tried tuning it out to the best of his abilities, but occasionally listened when he heard Andrew’s name drop. Finally they stop before a small house, where Andrew is waiting outside the door smoking a cigarette._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Andrew! You never told me you had such a cute friend,” Nicky says as Andrew approaches._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Keys,” is all Andrew says, before shoving Neil back into the car. Nicky gives him the keys and winks at Neil before going back inside._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Andrew gets into the car, adjusts the drivers seat and drives off without another word to Neil. Neil doesn’t try to start the conversation, can tell that Andrew is angry and wouldn’t appreciate it, and instead sits there watching out of the window as they drive somewhere. The drive is a long one, but Andrew stops at a forest and Neil follows him inside._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You didn’t take me here to kill me, did you?” Neil jokes_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“I did, time to finish what you started,” Andrew says._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Neil can tell it’s a fake threat, so he only follows Andrew deeper into the forest. It’s quite nice, autumn has turned the leaves the same auburn red as Neil’s hair, and they lay scattered on the floor, crunching under Andrew and Neil’s careful footsteps. If it weren’t for Neil’s recent fake death, he might have reached out to hold Andrew’s hand gently in his, but as it is now he keeps his hands to himself, using one to hold his cane. There is already an uncomfortable ache making itself known in Neil’s legs, so when he sees a bench he takes the opportunity to sit._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Sorry, I can’t. My legs are killing me, so I have to rest a bit,” Neil says_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Andrew gives him an angry look, but Neil knows better than to think that anger is directed at him, rather than who caused him these injuries._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Why?” Andrew asks_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“To get him off my back. He buried me today,” Neil answers._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“How? I saw your body. Wouldn’t they have wanted that back?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Yeah, that was the trickiest part. After phoning my dad someone came to pick my body, but I paid them off to keep quiet about me being alive and instead have them tell my father they got rid of me. All my dad had to do after that was hold a closed casket funeral. Easy enough.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You are an idiot. What if your plan didn’t work? You’re in no shape to run.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Figured, with my rotten luck the universe owed me one,” Neil shrugs_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“You shouldn’t depend so much on fate.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“But it’s fate that brought us together.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Andrew doesn’t say anything, only glares at Neil, but Neil knows he does it because Andrew doesn’t have a smart remark to say. Neil waits for him to come up with one anyway, but when he doesn’t Neil leans back and let’s the autumn sun shine on his face. It isn’t really chilly yet, but the breeze blowing through the forest is strong and tugs on Neil, trying to ask him to follow, trying to drag him away from Andrew, but Neil holds himself and closes his eyes. He missed the comforting presence of Andrew next to him, keeping him grounded. He’s missed travelling with him, wants to start doing that again._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“Can we?” Neil asks_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Andrew, clearly, can not read his mind and mistakes his question for a request to make out. Neil doesn’t protest as Andrew’s firm hands cup his cheek and his soft lips brush against Neil’s. He can only hum contently, as he feels like falling and rising. Still, Neil pulls away too soon._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________“That’s not what I meant, though I’m not complaining,” Neil smiles briefly at Andrew, before taking his hand gently into his scarred ones. “I want to travel with you again, is that alright?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________Andrew is quiet for a bit, before leaning in and whispering a soft _Yes _against his lips. Neil smiles and kisses Andrew happily. He’s safe, he’s free, he’s got Andrew back again.___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Neil is home._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well then! That's the end already! I hope you guys liked this, if you did maybe come say hi to me on my tumblr [ over here](https://eloquent-apollo.tumblr.com)?


End file.
